Dear......Ellie

I feel like I need to write a letter to you Ellie.
You put on a brave face but inside you are dying, wasting away under all this stress. Why do you do this to yourself? WHY?
Yes, you get those few moments of solace when you are able to feel 'at one' with the world, where things don't disappear but feel more managable and take a back seat but are things really getting any better and when will you ever know if they do?
You're so stuck in your ways, would you even notice?

You're being referred to the Eating Disorder team again, how could you do this? You're not ill enough to go back into treatment, yes you need support but is this really what is right for you? You've lost a little weight and are going to the gym for which I applaud you but you don't need the ED services again, or yet at least. Give it some time, then maybe. Don't be a failure and give up now. Don't surrender yourself to them, you know their drill Ell, don't let them manipulate you again, its not what you need. You need to keep up this willpower its the only way you're ever going to win the battle. Keep fighting, keep fighting for life and how you want it to be but for goodness sake fight quietly. Don't let them see your weaknesses.

Dear You,

You didn't have to go as far to say that I don't know anything, I can see you are 'passionate' but at least listen to my side too rather than shoot me down as soon as I open my mouth. It's massive for me even to say my opinions, next time I'll just shut up and save everyone the hassle of listening to me, after all I am pretty worthless.

Dear Body,

You are disgusting, you disgrace me. I want to look nice for Halloween, I want to dress up as if I were in another body and be as far away from you as possible.

I want people to like me and think I look nice. You'd better not ruin it for me.

Dear Lucy,

When you visit later today I really hope you try and make an effort to say hello to people and join in for things because I kind of want to show you off a bit and be proud to call you my sister, I've never been able to do something like this before so I really hope things go well.

Dear Flatmates,

I have enjoyed the times we have shared so far, jamming the other night was brilliant. I feel much more at home here now, its becoming more natural talking to you all now and saying hello- I have also started opening my door and propping it open, massive steps over such a short period of time. It feels like I've been here for a while, not just 3 days!

Dear Gemma,

Stop pushing me to get a pizza with you, I dont want to.
Its hard enough being here at uni, meeting you and cooking for myself. Just because you have some vouchers for pizza doesn't mean I want to eat it with you.

Dear Self,

I want to die. I also want to live.

Dear Chest Pains,

You scorch my insides, constrict my breathing, force me to lay still and put me on edge.
I really hate you.
GO AWAY.

Dear Emptiness,

So its 1.26am. Feel so empty, shattered yet sitting in PJs ready for bed but can't brings myself to turn this laptop off and go to sleep. Pathetic I know.
I just feel so empty and numb. Laurel texted me earlier just to see how I was doing- her text caused tears so stream down my face. I wanted to text someone for some support but felt too bad in case I bothered anyone. I never cry at the moment other than in therapy sometimes so crying at a text while at home was a change. Now days I just seem to float through the day (not in a good way) wondering what it would be like to die, questioning life and existence whilst trying to actually do things, avoid chest pains and put on my trusty 'Ellie' face to get through. Things are getting to the all time low where they are so bad that I can't feel much at all and to be honest I'd rather be in total agony, screaming, crying... etc than that because it feels so numb and horrible, I wish it'd go away.

Dear Plate,

How frustrated I get with having to make something to put on you and then eat the substance. I often imagine lobbing you across the room, shattering you into tiny pieces- get rid! get rid!
I can't stand you.

Not only am I repulsed by myself and eating but food is just not necessary! I don't NEED to fill you up and scrape you clean; yes nature, doctors, everyone says I should to stay alive (just like the rest of the population) but I know it's not really true until you're at deaths door and then I might bother.
They just like enforcing the 'rule' on me. I wish people would just stop pressuring me and moaning at me to get up and make dinner, lunch... and all the rest of it... I don't want to, therefore I can't be bothered to, therefore it ain't going to happen unless its my way!

I was doing really well with the new plan I made but now I feel like progress is miles away. I'm so frustrated. How I wish you and me could be friends, the only way that would happen though is if you were empty- full stop- but its not like that happens often any more...

Dear Denise,

I hope I will be an ok case study for you, I think the EFT might help me cope with some things- I hope that you teaching me and using me as a case study will help you to finish your qualifications too

Dear Ang,

You are strong, beautiful and the best woman on earth- you will survive. You can fight this cancer. Sending all my love xxxx

Dear Sunshine,

It's lovely for you to be brightening up the days lately. It's so hot here though, I even wore a dress around the house once-the first time in years. I think you've made me slightly more chilled out although I can't be sure. x

Dear Scales.

Scales we did it! How I love you when you tell me what I want to hear :)

Dear ACarel,

I feel really bad about not going into the last ever art class especially seeing as you gave me a certificate in the assembly afterwards, thank you by the way. I saw the pictures on facebook that charlie put up of the class and I feel sad I wasnt in them. Charlie's new hair cut looks good so I missed something else too.
Feeling shitty now.

Dear Lu,

Really enjoyed this afternoon with you. Hope you enjoyed spending some time together too x

Dear K.East,

I really like you Miss. I think you have a really nice fun yet understanding personality which is especially important in a job like you do.
Today when you saw me crying (when Jess gave me a hug) I appreciated that you asked everyone to leave the room. I could have collapsed in tears, I really could have done but managed to hold back once again.

Maybe tomorrow you will ask me what was wrong and I will tell you that everything is too much or maybe I will insist I am fine, maybe the crying will never be mentioned. One thing is for sure though, some of my foundations are cracking and my emotions are beginning to seep through.

Dear Courtney,

I really don't appreciate you telling me I have a red nose and asking me why, it was plainly obvious I had just been crying. Please be a little sensitive...?

Dear Psychology Class,

I was terrified about the party today, when people suggested bringing in food and drink I nearly fainted on the spot and wanted the ground to swallow me up.
On advice from other situations to reduce any possible stress I decided I would make some cakes to bring in- that way the anxiety may be reduced slightly- I would know whats in them and people wouldn't talk if I rejected other food because I could say I was full on the cake.
They actually turned out well and I took ages working out which ones to take and took my time spreading the mixture between cake cases so they were all even- I even decided to use a few fairy cupcake cases- I wanted Miss to have one especially so when she picked that one out straight away it made me happy.
Mrs S mentioned to me after that she was really proud of me going and I was so happy that she said that because it was a big deal and it was nice  that my efforts were acknowledged! Mrs S also told me that you Steff had said you wanted me to be there- that was really special. It made me feel as if I might belong.
Thank you.. xx

Dear PSYA4 Class,

Psychology leaving party... really???