Dear......Ellie

I feel like I need to write a letter to you Ellie.
You put on a brave face but inside you are dying, wasting away under all this stress. Why do you do this to yourself? WHY?
Yes, you get those few moments of solace when you are able to feel 'at one' with the world, where things don't disappear but feel more managable and take a back seat but are things really getting any better and when will you ever know if they do?
You're so stuck in your ways, would you even notice?

You're being referred to the Eating Disorder team again, how could you do this? You're not ill enough to go back into treatment, yes you need support but is this really what is right for you? You've lost a little weight and are going to the gym for which I applaud you but you don't need the ED services again, or yet at least. Give it some time, then maybe. Don't be a failure and give up now. Don't surrender yourself to them, you know their drill Ell, don't let them manipulate you again, its not what you need. You need to keep up this willpower its the only way you're ever going to win the battle. Keep fighting, keep fighting for life and how you want it to be but for goodness sake fight quietly. Don't let them see your weaknesses.

Dear You,

You didn't have to go as far to say that I don't know anything, I can see you are 'passionate' but at least listen to my side too rather than shoot me down as soon as I open my mouth. It's massive for me even to say my opinions, next time I'll just shut up and save everyone the hassle of listening to me, after all I am pretty worthless.

Dear Body,

You are disgusting, you disgrace me. I want to look nice for Halloween, I want to dress up as if I were in another body and be as far away from you as possible.

I want people to like me and think I look nice. You'd better not ruin it for me.

Dear Lucy,

When you visit later today I really hope you try and make an effort to say hello to people and join in for things because I kind of want to show you off a bit and be proud to call you my sister, I've never been able to do something like this before so I really hope things go well.

Dear Flatmates,

I have enjoyed the times we have shared so far, jamming the other night was brilliant. I feel much more at home here now, its becoming more natural talking to you all now and saying hello- I have also started opening my door and propping it open, massive steps over such a short period of time. It feels like I've been here for a while, not just 3 days!

Dear Gemma,

Stop pushing me to get a pizza with you, I dont want to.
Its hard enough being here at uni, meeting you and cooking for myself. Just because you have some vouchers for pizza doesn't mean I want to eat it with you.

Dear Self,

I want to die. I also want to live.