Dear You,

You didn't have to go as far to say that I don't know anything, I can see you are 'passionate' but at least listen to my side too rather than shoot me down as soon as I open my mouth. It's massive for me even to say my opinions, next time I'll just shut up and save everyone the hassle of listening to me, after all I am pretty worthless.

Dear Body,

You are disgusting, you disgrace me. I want to look nice for Halloween, I want to dress up as if I were in another body and be as far away from you as possible.

I want people to like me and think I look nice. You'd better not ruin it for me.

Dear Lucy,

When you visit later today I really hope you try and make an effort to say hello to people and join in for things because I kind of want to show you off a bit and be proud to call you my sister, I've never been able to do something like this before so I really hope things go well.

Dear Flatmates,

I have enjoyed the times we have shared so far, jamming the other night was brilliant. I feel much more at home here now, its becoming more natural talking to you all now and saying hello- I have also started opening my door and propping it open, massive steps over such a short period of time. It feels like I've been here for a while, not just 3 days!

Dear Gemma,

Stop pushing me to get a pizza with you, I dont want to.
Its hard enough being here at uni, meeting you and cooking for myself. Just because you have some vouchers for pizza doesn't mean I want to eat it with you.

Dear Self,

I want to die. I also want to live.

Dear Chest Pains,

You scorch my insides, constrict my breathing, force me to lay still and put me on edge.
I really hate you.
GO AWAY.

Dear Emptiness,

So its 1.26am. Feel so empty, shattered yet sitting in PJs ready for bed but can't brings myself to turn this laptop off and go to sleep. Pathetic I know.
I just feel so empty and numb. Laurel texted me earlier just to see how I was doing- her text caused tears so stream down my face. I wanted to text someone for some support but felt too bad in case I bothered anyone. I never cry at the moment other than in therapy sometimes so crying at a text while at home was a change. Now days I just seem to float through the day (not in a good way) wondering what it would be like to die, questioning life and existence whilst trying to actually do things, avoid chest pains and put on my trusty 'Ellie' face to get through. Things are getting to the all time low where they are so bad that I can't feel much at all and to be honest I'd rather be in total agony, screaming, crying... etc than that because it feels so numb and horrible, I wish it'd go away.

Dear Plate,

How frustrated I get with having to make something to put on you and then eat the substance. I often imagine lobbing you across the room, shattering you into tiny pieces- get rid! get rid!
I can't stand you.

Not only am I repulsed by myself and eating but food is just not necessary! I don't NEED to fill you up and scrape you clean; yes nature, doctors, everyone says I should to stay alive (just like the rest of the population) but I know it's not really true until you're at deaths door and then I might bother.
They just like enforcing the 'rule' on me. I wish people would just stop pressuring me and moaning at me to get up and make dinner, lunch... and all the rest of it... I don't want to, therefore I can't be bothered to, therefore it ain't going to happen unless its my way!

I was doing really well with the new plan I made but now I feel like progress is miles away. I'm so frustrated. How I wish you and me could be friends, the only way that would happen though is if you were empty- full stop- but its not like that happens often any more...

Dear Denise,

I hope I will be an ok case study for you, I think the EFT might help me cope with some things- I hope that you teaching me and using me as a case study will help you to finish your qualifications too

Dear Ang,

You are strong, beautiful and the best woman on earth- you will survive. You can fight this cancer. Sending all my love xxxx

Dear Sunshine,

It's lovely for you to be brightening up the days lately. It's so hot here though, I even wore a dress around the house once-the first time in years. I think you've made me slightly more chilled out although I can't be sure. x

Dear Scales.

Scales we did it! How I love you when you tell me what I want to hear :)

Dear ACarel,

I feel really bad about not going into the last ever art class especially seeing as you gave me a certificate in the assembly afterwards, thank you by the way. I saw the pictures on facebook that charlie put up of the class and I feel sad I wasnt in them. Charlie's new hair cut looks good so I missed something else too.
Feeling shitty now.

Dear Lu,

Really enjoyed this afternoon with you. Hope you enjoyed spending some time together too x

Dear K.East,

I really like you Miss. I think you have a really nice fun yet understanding personality which is especially important in a job like you do.
Today when you saw me crying (when Jess gave me a hug) I appreciated that you asked everyone to leave the room. I could have collapsed in tears, I really could have done but managed to hold back once again.

Maybe tomorrow you will ask me what was wrong and I will tell you that everything is too much or maybe I will insist I am fine, maybe the crying will never be mentioned. One thing is for sure though, some of my foundations are cracking and my emotions are beginning to seep through.

Dear Courtney,

I really don't appreciate you telling me I have a red nose and asking me why, it was plainly obvious I had just been crying. Please be a little sensitive...?

Dear Psychology Class,

I was terrified about the party today, when people suggested bringing in food and drink I nearly fainted on the spot and wanted the ground to swallow me up.
On advice from other situations to reduce any possible stress I decided I would make some cakes to bring in- that way the anxiety may be reduced slightly- I would know whats in them and people wouldn't talk if I rejected other food because I could say I was full on the cake.
They actually turned out well and I took ages working out which ones to take and took my time spreading the mixture between cake cases so they were all even- I even decided to use a few fairy cupcake cases- I wanted Miss to have one especially so when she picked that one out straight away it made me happy.
Mrs S mentioned to me after that she was really proud of me going and I was so happy that she said that because it was a big deal and it was nice  that my efforts were acknowledged! Mrs S also told me that you Steff had said you wanted me to be there- that was really special. It made me feel as if I might belong.
Thank you.. xx

Dear PSYA4 Class,

Psychology leaving party... really???

Dear Angie,

I'm upset you gave me a few 'dirty' looks on Friday- I don't know what people have told you about me but I haven't done anything wrong. Your daughter is lovely and just because I'm not going out with her brother anymore doesn't mean I can't see her or talk to her. I get on really well with Jess and she's one of my best friends- yes she is 13 but age doesn't matter- we get on really well.
When she fainted, I caught her- maybe you should be grateful?? I'm worried about her and maybe you should show some concern too (after all she is your daughter) rather than showing concern about me being in the same room as her...

Dear Arriva Buses,

Please don't change around the bus timetables I'm too scared to use the bus now. Keep things the same and everyone wins.

Dear Lynsey,

When I left the group you asked me if I would be volunteering at Oxfam for much longer- you were glad when I said for a long time because you said you would like to come in and visit me. I went in as much as I could religiously every Saturday in the hope that I would get to see you again.
I had to quit because it all got to stressful and was too much pressure on me; I would have quit much sooner if I hadn't been holding onto the fact that you might want to see how I am.

I'm upset that you never came.

Dear Emma,

I printed off a handout from your website about hidden meanings behind eating disorders and filled it in. It really touched some nerves and was related so much to how I am feeling it was as if it was tailor made. I took it to my counselling session today and was able to show how I felt which was really handy.
You are a star and always so supportive of me, I really hope you continue with your good work.

Dear M and D,

The walk we went on after dinner was really nice, I enjoyed linking up arms and strolling by the river. We should do it more often x

Dear GW,

Please look after yourself. I'm worried about you. I don't think you realise how much you want and need to avoid hospital admission.Look after yourself and please please take care xx

Dear Student Finance,

How much can you confuse a person????



(Hint: LOTS!)

Dear Mrs Long,

Please look after me tomorrow on this school trip. I don't have any friends that will be there (not to mention many at all anyway) and I know I will be on my own which is very daunting and scary. I'm not good with people especially in new places and I'm terrified about going into another school for a huge conference day. I mean what will happen at lunch time...???
It's freaking me out quite a lot. Just stick by me, yeah?

Dear Angela,

Thanks for letting me have the week to cool down and for my last exam to be Monday. SO STRESSED right now so its great to have a bit more time in between all the rest of the stuff going on.

Dear Sketchbook.

You seem to be shaping up nicely now, full of drawings and doodles. I'm glad we are finally getting a long better- get me a good grade :)

Dear J,

I hope from my email you understand how hard things have gotten even though I haven't directly said it. Please understand.

Dear BBC- The Voice

I think that its such a good idea to do a singing show based on somebody's voice rather than appearance and looks. Now that the auditions and blind rounds are over I hope that you aren't going to ruin the show and make it all about the appearance; I don't know how you're going to do it but I hope you try and don't fall into the trap many other shows do.

Dear Melly,

You really made me smile over Easter even though it was a hard time. I miss you x

Dear Peggy,

I keep thinking about you and wonder what you're up to. I don't want to email you again because last time you said you would have liked to hear about other things than I had written about, it made me really embarrassed.

I was thinking this time last year I'd just started with Louise properly after you had left in the winter. So much has changed since then and I keep wishing I had told you some of the things that happened- like a person that you thought was nice but really wasn't, if I had known what I know now then I would have told you but I was sucked in by the lies too so it was really difficult to see past what was happening.

Part of me would like to meet up with you again but I would be too nervous about what you would think of me now, I know my body has changed and I would be worried that you would comment on it.

I can still imagine you and see you in my head- did you know I became scared of you when you wore a suit? and when you had had a haircut? I always felt more nervous seeing you then and it was weird but each time you wore a suit/had a hair cut our appointments went badly.

I think towards the end of your time at CAMHS you had become a different person and wouldn't let me talk much anyway so maybe it was better that you left the service and that I couldn't see you anymore and that I can remember you more as you were in the early days than towards the end.
Its such a strange idea that I saw you for 1 or 2 times a week for over three years and I'm never supposed to contact you again. It's horrible getting close to someone and almost building a relationship/attachment with them for it to be broken so sudden and harshly.

Anyway, I hope you are well and that you are OK. Miss you Pegster!

Dear Windows,

You are such fun to clean! Mum has someone coming to stay so we've been tackling the house bit by bit and this morning was the windows. I really enjoyed rubbing the miracle potion on you and then getting a cloth and wiping it off to reveal the perfect streak free glass, it was rewarding and satisfying but eventually you wore me out! I managed to wipe about 12 windows twice and they look great- nice result visually and nice result physically.

Dear Charity Shop Volunteer,

I really liked coming in today, I walk past your shop a lot but never go in but today I felt compelled to (as well as the fact that I was waiting for a bus and very cold)! There seemed to be such a good atmosphere in your shop and so many people, it was really buzzing.
I enjoyed flicking through the books and taking a look at the clothes and came out with some good purchases, thank you for being inviting and for volunteering- we need people like you to make sure places like this stay open. I might pop by again one day, watch out for me!

Dear Library Lady,

Thank you so much for smiling at me today I really appreciated you spreading some joy, even though I didn't feel happy smiling back did cheer me up for a bit :)

Dear Scan Lady,

I went to see you last month and you did my bone density scan, I thought I did really well even though I was incredibly nervous having it done. Someone on reception kept ringing and leaving me messages to ring up the surgery. I managed to one day and they said that you had done it wrong, how could you do this to me?? All that time I wasted panicking about why they needed to talk to me and what the result might mean and it turns out that everything was done wrong- your mistake and that they are sorry.
Now I have to go back to the surgery for another one, this time a whole body scan that I am even more nervous about. Sitting here on a computer typing this is making me worry even more because I have just realised I have forgotten the tracksuit bottoms that I need to wear... now I'll have to go buy some. And I'm too scared to go in the shopping centre, great..... if only you had done the scan right in the first place; none of this would have happened.

Dear Blogger,

I'm not sure that I like this new layout that you have created. I don't like all of this change.

Dear Blog Writer,

I really enjoy reading your blog. The message you share is really amazing. I want to use it here so others can see it, if you're interested here is the link... Ed Bites: kintsugi

I am a broken plate; flawed yet beautiful.
xx

Dear Teenagers out there,

As a fellow teen I know how tough it can get. I think that sharing my story or at least parts of it helps. Maybe if you are struggling you should try the same.
Teen Week: Words That Heal

Dear Reading Log,

I started you in January last year. I think I have begun to get very competitive with you now, I'm not sure if that is such a good thing or not.

Last year I read 55 books in total and recorded down the necessary details so I could catalogue each read. This year I have already read 35 and I want to reach 55 desperately already just so I can say I beat myself last year... I think now that I'm struggling to control my feelings and weight I've started to become a reading machine and am only reading to beat myself rather than to escape from things like I used to.
Maybe the reading log wasn't such a great idea...

Dear you know who you are,

I wrote you a huge letter last night and managed to share it with someone today; she helped me to see that I am not to blame for all those things you did to me- like an abused child you took away their power and they didn't have the tools to stop you- just as I didn't. I'm not going to give you the pleasure of looking at the letter; you don't deserve to know my pain.
Ellie

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

sweet dreams gorgeous night night xxxxxxxWhat is all this about...?
We had a chat online for about 3 mins after you wrote to me saying hi. I don't want you to call me gorgeous, I want all of the horrible things you did to me to be erased and for 'us' to have never existed, yet you still have a powerful hold on me and I don't like it.

Dear Video Girl,

You made me cry watching this video- your message is very true and it challenged some of my points/arguments against my parents earlier today.

http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/2012/03/end-silence.html

Dear L

You are my teacher! You are supposed to have a good range of knowledge and understand the subject  seeing as you are teaching an A Level course in it!
I feel bad but I have made a complaint against you but waiting 43 minutes on Tuesday for the class to be given any direction is despicable and I'm sorry but I had to do it.

When I meet with you and the head of year tomorrow I know that you will deny it and say its because I get too anxious and its not my 'learning style' but I have a valid point and I want to be taken seriously. Just because I have an eating disorder and other mental health issues does not mean that I am lying about your teaching skills (or lack of them)--if anything it makes me more honest.

Dear Dandelion Girl,

I just wanted to say thank you for your webpage. I stumbled upon it by clicking on a link of random searching of blogs and I am so glad I did. I have been suffering from anorexia for over 5 years now, I'm currently 18, and depression. Sometimes I find it very difficult to separate myself from my Eating Disorder because it feels like its part of me and although right now I am scared to let it go my resolution this year was to find myself. Your pages and posts have really helped me tonight; I've grabbed a notepad and have started scribbling down quotes and sentences that you have said so I can look at them for help. Your ideas about writing 'who you are' was really helpful- I begun with small things similar to those you suggested and soon I begun to fill the page, I've found it really quite fun!
You have really touched me and given me hope when I've been finding things so very difficult.
Thank you!

(the website is http://www.thedandeliongirl.com/ if you want to take a look too)!

Dear Tissue Boxes,

I've needed you today. Things are so hard.

Dear Facebook,

It was a big day for me today. I managed to unfriend someone who has held me captured for too long.

Dear Jackie,

Thank you so much for letting me talk to you today; I had no idea I was holding so much back. You must have thought I was some rambling idiot with a bright red face (from all the crying) but thank you so much, you have no idea how much you have helped.
I know I can trust you with anything and I really appreciate your sensitive, kind and patient nature.

Thank you so much x

Dear Mobile Phone,

You hardly ever give me messages now days......

Dear Waitress,

I never eat out, when I had no choice in the matter today ('family meal'... insert eye roll here) the only veggie-friendly safest option was a Jacket Potato- I will let you off on the cheese, that wasn't too bad of a portion, and I could scrape some of it off easily- but dressing on the 'side salad'- NO!!!! And the portion of the 'side salad' was three times the size of the potato- NO!!!

Learn the rules, I don't eat stuff like that...

Dear Doctor,

You are harsh and mean and scary.
You called me in for an appt but made me feel like I shouldn't have been there, I feel so unsupported and unhappy and was shaking by the time I left your office, you have no idea do you??

You're making me have a bone-density scan in the hope to 'shock' me out of all this- I'm not even thin enough to be classed as 'in this', can't you see all the fat? Are you talking about someone else?!

Not only is it scary that I have to have vits/minerals/endless tablets to supplement my food intake you wouldn't even tell me if they were veggie or not (one lot wasn't so now I have to go back to you for one that is). You now tell me that I have to be weighed once a month each time I go for a blood test with the nurse.
I managed to escape all this monitoring and now it has all crept up on me again.

Last time I had a blood test, not only did it hurt like hell, the nurse told me I was too dehydrated to fill a whole pot up (but thankfully what she did get was useful enough to whoever tested it) and you told me to drink more next time I come in so its easier... of course I can't drink more! I don't drink AT ALL unless I'm sat down having a weak moment or Mum won't let me leave without taking a sip---- so how does this work then? Who in the right mind would drink before getting weighed? How am I supposed to drink something, have a blood test and then be weighed without peeing it out first????
I had a slip with some squash the other day, I was so thirsty and couldn't help but drink a glass, which turned into 2.... the shame I felt was horrible. I must have sat on the toilet for a good hour or so squeezing my stomach trying to pee it all out.
That's become a bit of a habit now, sitting on the toilet trying to get stuff out- even if I know its not been digested yet; I can't help it, I sit there for hours trying sooooo hard to get it out- if only I could manage to throw it up, things would be so much easier- even if I can't get any results, it makes me feel better for trying.

So you see doctor, how can I tackle this situation?? Do you want blood from me- or do you want me to be weighed??

Dear Shadow,

I wish we could have a conversation with each other, it would make me feel much less lonely.

Dear Channel 4,

I thought your programme was really good on Gok's Teens. I saw the advert to take part a long time ago, I wish I had had the courage to do so.
All I could do when I was watching was think how great it would have been to have been part of a massive movement and get help from Gok- I read his autobiography and his story is amazing- I'm sure he would have a lot of helpful advice and suggestions for anyone out there struggling with Anorexia or any other eating disorder or mental health problem.
Thanks for airing such a great programme and for raising awareness of mental health issues!

Dear Passengers (on the back seat),

There was no where else to sit on the bus... I had to sit at the back with you- you made me unnerved and left me feeling out of place; I was scared to look at you. I could feel your annoyance drifting into my body through my skin- my anxiety creeping to panic mode.
I don't know why you were so hostile to me but please please please consider how you might affect someone else before releasing such bad energy into the world. Thank you.

Dear Girl in Art,

Thank you for saying 'hello' to me everyday, it is really refreshing when I'm sitting in the corner being ignored by everyone else in the room.

I wish I could say it to your face- maybe one day I will be brave enough to- but you make my day, thank you!

To new coat,

Thank you for being so warm and cosy when I'm freezing inside.
It will be nice to wear you, you make me look like an average, ok, person- your colour blends in nicely unlike my other red one. Thanks for making me appear to have an 'ok' waist too- could be better but won't complain too much, you can only work with what I give you!
Anyway, thanks coat, you're the best.

Dear Examination Boards,

People with an eating disorder usually strive to achieve and be the best of the best YET it is extremely difficult to motivate study when you're so low and drained- why do you have to then give us such difficult questions that rely solely on memory recall of names & dates and facts & figures?
It's not fair or just.

Dear Girl in my Therapy Group,

You are so thin, it makes me sad.

X

Dear Argos,

You have saved my life- I got enough strength up to walk to your store today- I bought some of your bathroom scales, a £6.99 well spent.

I went behind the back of everyone, nobody knows but me and it feels kinda good this way, something I can do myself again.
I like the padded feet bit you can stand on and how there is a magnifying glass part on the scale so I can read it accurately when standing up still. You made a good move putting these ones up for sale.

I used to be addicted to the scales but after my parents got suspicious they suddenly were 'broken.' After refusing to be weighed at the local hospital I didn't know the number, judging only by how big or small I thought I was for that day. When I needed to be transferred to another service I had to be weighed and managed to do it which was a big achievement and after recently finding the 'broken' scales under my Mum's bed a few days later, I have been keeping tabs on it all as much as possible.

So... Thank You Argos! I now have my own set and can keep better track of everything.
I'm so glad I had the energy to walk all that way -it paid off!!

Dear Mum,

I took an initiative; I actually proactively suggested something to have for dinner. I say 'Shall I make it?' and how do you repay my bravery? You berate me. You make me feel small, empty and embarrassed. You make me angry, anorexia angry.

You say that I make my portions smaller when I cook my own meal (fair enough- I give you that) but when you tell me that it won't be nutritious and healthy enough (basically you're claiming not enough calories) you make me fume because you have given me that meal ten times over yourself and have never questioned anything.

Different rules for different people- Different rules for me.