Dear Lucy,

When you visit later today I really hope you try and make an effort to say hello to people and join in for things because I kind of want to show you off a bit and be proud to call you my sister, I've never been able to do something like this before so I really hope things go well.

Dear Flatmates,

I have enjoyed the times we have shared so far, jamming the other night was brilliant. I feel much more at home here now, its becoming more natural talking to you all now and saying hello- I have also started opening my door and propping it open, massive steps over such a short period of time. It feels like I've been here for a while, not just 3 days!

Dear Gemma,

Stop pushing me to get a pizza with you, I dont want to.
Its hard enough being here at uni, meeting you and cooking for myself. Just because you have some vouchers for pizza doesn't mean I want to eat it with you.

Dear Self,

I want to die. I also want to live.

Dear Chest Pains,

You scorch my insides, constrict my breathing, force me to lay still and put me on edge.
I really hate you.
GO AWAY.

Dear Emptiness,

So its 1.26am. Feel so empty, shattered yet sitting in PJs ready for bed but can't brings myself to turn this laptop off and go to sleep. Pathetic I know.
I just feel so empty and numb. Laurel texted me earlier just to see how I was doing- her text caused tears so stream down my face. I wanted to text someone for some support but felt too bad in case I bothered anyone. I never cry at the moment other than in therapy sometimes so crying at a text while at home was a change. Now days I just seem to float through the day (not in a good way) wondering what it would be like to die, questioning life and existence whilst trying to actually do things, avoid chest pains and put on my trusty 'Ellie' face to get through. Things are getting to the all time low where they are so bad that I can't feel much at all and to be honest I'd rather be in total agony, screaming, crying... etc than that because it feels so numb and horrible, I wish it'd go away.

Dear Plate,

How frustrated I get with having to make something to put on you and then eat the substance. I often imagine lobbing you across the room, shattering you into tiny pieces- get rid! get rid!
I can't stand you.

Not only am I repulsed by myself and eating but food is just not necessary! I don't NEED to fill you up and scrape you clean; yes nature, doctors, everyone says I should to stay alive (just like the rest of the population) but I know it's not really true until you're at deaths door and then I might bother.
They just like enforcing the 'rule' on me. I wish people would just stop pressuring me and moaning at me to get up and make dinner, lunch... and all the rest of it... I don't want to, therefore I can't be bothered to, therefore it ain't going to happen unless its my way!

I was doing really well with the new plan I made but now I feel like progress is miles away. I'm so frustrated. How I wish you and me could be friends, the only way that would happen though is if you were empty- full stop- but its not like that happens often any more...